Special thanks to Dale Volberg Reed, co-author of Holy Smoke, for her clever “hog sameach” turn of phrase, which inspired this card.  Dale, I officially proclaim you an honorary BBQ Jew for life.  (And, yes, membership has its privileges as you’ll get 10% of my sure-to-be-huge net sale proceeds for this card.)

Every week my email inbox is filled with anti-barbecue propaganda, ranging from basically benign barbs to maliciously malignant missives.  Among the attacks I’ve seen on the great American institution, in the past week alone, are:

-On the benign side, confidence-suppressing articles about dealing with problems like “improper flaming” and other possible afflictions of the grill.  Not since Viagra ads first hit the airwaves have America’s charcoal-wielding men had such cause for performance anxiety.

-Articles about barbecue’s supposed role in the epidemic of obesity plaguing our nation’s collective midsection.

-News reports that imply barbecue may lead to incidents of violent crime and even natural disasters.

-Malignant stories discussing barbecue’s supposed link to, well, cancer; anyone want to learn about “7 Ways to Cancer-Proof Your Barbecue”?

-The burden placed on barbecue to solve America’s ongoing economic woes and rebuild its diplomatic ties at the highest levels.

-Common dangers, such as household fires, tenuously linked to barbecuing and played up for maximum dramatic effect on barbecue-friendly occasions like Memorial Day and Independence Day.  Even in BBQ strongholds like West Texas, the BBQ-baiting media have tracked down otherwise self-respecting firefighters who ”are sending out a warning [that barbecue] might not be worth the risk.”  As current West Odessa Volunteer Fire Chief, and possible Past-President of the West Texas Brussel Sprouts Defense League, Jimmy Ellis put it in the same article, ”One spark and the whole city could go up like a keg of dynamite.”  Humph.

-Lest the above dynamite-level dangers not be enough, other alarmists warn of the risk of contracting trichinosis and other food-borne illnesses.  Luckily, in a rare act of bravery, the USDA recently released updated guidelines on cooking meat, and finally admitted that cooking pork to 145 degrees is sufficiently safe (as tenderloin lovers have known for decades).

As if the above affronts on America’s barbecue tradition were not enough, the Al Gore set has devoted a disproportionate amount of effort to pin the future collapse of the earth’s ecosystems on barbecue.  Indeed, it appears that barbecue is now THE grease-stained culprit of global warming. “Are barbecue grills destroying the planet?,” asks an article in the May 27th issue of The Week, just the most recent in a series of attempts to make backyard pit bosses feel as guilty as possible for their selfless act of smoking meat instead of gassing it or, lord forbid, torturing it in an electric oven.

Finally, the forces of evil have stepped up their efforts to challenge the most fundamental of American barbecue values: the near-biblical truth that barbecue is by definition meat.  Indeed, masochistic vegetarians across the country write morally bankrupt drivel like this piece that tries to nudge meat aside and claim a spot on the Weber for veggies (it is consoling that the folks in the picture that runs with the article look famine-stricken and sport forced smiles that quietly scream, “For God’s sake, let me trade this pink polo shirt for a slab of ribs”).

While vegetarians take pains to inflate their bloated self-worth, and to maintain their emaciated figures, by choking down Bulgur Veggie Burgers with Lime Mayonnaise and the like, I’m sticking up for the American way.  I’ll be out back on my flammable wood deck cooking up some carbon-heavy, cancer-inducing pork butt to serve with bacon-flavored greens and calorie-full hush puppies.  After all, it’s Memorial Day and I think that our fallen heroes would have it no other way.

If you want to become a master barbecue cook, or at least not embarass yourself too badly, I highly recommend reading through the great info at AmazingRibs.com.  The chief blogger/cook/all around BBQ guru over there, Meathead, offers a ton of free advice on everything from cuts of meat to buying guides for grills and accessories.  Really valuable info that ignorant wanna-be BBQers like myself can’t match.  If good old fashioned cookbooks are more your speed, I highly recommend Peace, Love, & Barbecue by Mike Mills or pretty much anything Steven Raichlen has written. Sure, he looks like a bit of a goofball but he knows his stuff.

You can spend a ton of money on a grill or smoker, but if you’re a newbie I recommend starting with something basic.  Cooking barbecue isn’t easy but it’s not all that complicated either.  There are lots of places to buy a grill, and online shops have started offering a lot of choices at competitive prices.  For example, CSGrills.com offers everything from entry level charcoal Brinkmann Smokers to top of the line Weber Gas Grills, as well as a range of other BBQ grills (with free shipping on most).  In my opinion, the only thing better than using a grill is dreaming about what a darn good pit master you’d be if you just had the right set up.  (Okay, maybe that’s just me).

Anyway, enough about my fantasies.  The bottom line: if you need a grill, buy one; if you have a grill, use it; and if you are planning to cook a bunch of barbecue, by all means save me some!  Happy cooking.

As luck would have it, you can buy BBQ Jew ornaments here. So what are you waiting for?  Break into your piggy bank (no pun intended) and get your money ready to spend on ornaments at the  BBQ Jew Store .  All major credit cards are accepted and operators are standing by, but Hanukkah gelt is not accepted.

My BBQJew.com co-author The Rib Rabbi moonlights as the author of Wasted Food.com, blogging under what I can only assume is a pseudonym, “Jonathan Bloom.”  His first book, American Wasteland: How America Throws Away Nearly Half of Its Food (and What We Can Do About It), was released yesterday.  That means The Rib Rabbi, or at least his alter ego Jonathan, is now a published author.  Sure, it’s not as impressive as being a barbecue blogger, but it’s something.  

Since BBQJew.com pays even its senior staff poorly, do The Rib Rabbi a favor and buy a copy of American Wasteland.  After all, he needs some pocket change to spend on barbecue.  Oh, and don’t worry, avoiding food waste and eating copious amounts of barbecue are completely compatible… right “Jonathan”?

Visit the online store and enter LABORDAYSALE for the coupon code at checkout.

Dad sure would look nice in a “Devout from Tail to Snout” t-shirt.  And you’d better believe he’d enjoy his next cup of coffee even more if he had a BBQ Jew logo mug to drink it from (oh, and don’t forget, dad always likes his coffeee with a shot of whiskey).  Or maybe all dad wants for Father’s Day is a “Pork is Kosher, Right?” bumper sticker for his F-150.  Heck, get him one of each to make up for all the pain he’s endured since you were born…

Just visit our online store at http://www.zazzle.com/bbqjew and enter the coupon code “NEWYOUZAZZLE” at checkout.  Hurry though, this offer expires at midnight on Tuesday!

We sell through Zazzle.com, which is having a “12 Deals of Christmas” sale right now with a different deal announced each day.  Free shipping, 30% off discounts and more.  Just visit the BBQ Jew Store and follow the “Click for code” link near the top of the page to see the deal of the day and other coupons available. 

Order now while supplies last.  Some restrictions may apply.  Offer void where prohibited by kosher law.  Your newborn niece doesn’t care what her onesie says.