I recently lived my nightmare.  I ate–”consumed” is a more appropriately clinical term given I did it only in the name of research–most of a package of “Certified Vegan” tofucue.  (You can pronounce that last word however you see fit.)  I will return to the scene of the crime soon to give you a full report on how this vile product tasted (preview: vile), but today’s post focuses on the packaging.

The Front of the Box
Where to begin?  Perhaps the name itself–”bbq pulled shreds.”  Shreds of what? Pulled what? And don’t think the small print “meat-free” above the word “bbq” gives me any comfort.  Plus, aren’t the words “pulled” and “shreds” redundant?

Was the budget too small to afford paying for capital letters on the packaging?  must every word be written in lower case like a jr high text msg? omg luv u tofu, lol!

Why do the words “contains no poultry” appear at the bottom of the picture?  You’ve already flaunted that you’re meat-free.  Is this small print poultry-free message supposed to make me happy?  Or is it an apology?  If so, why apologize simply that you’re poultry-free?  You look like you’re pretending to be a pulled pork sandwich, so why not mention that your pork-free too?  Are you too high falutin to write the word pork?

Why did you think the phrase “enjoy me I’m new” would catch my interest? I’d enjoy you if you were pork, new or old, and not so full of yourself.

Please never use the word “delish” again.  Rachel Ray came up with that inane word years ago.  And yes I know Rachel Ray’s first name has an “a” in it after the “h.”  But frankly I don’t give a damn.  (Plus, the second “a” serves no purpose, just like you, bbq pulled shreds.)  She can’t cook barbecue and neither can you.  Even Rachel Ray knows better than to serve lettuce on a BBQ sandwich.  Lettuce, really?  Go to the store and buy some cabbage for slaw like you give a crap.

I concede that you have an impressive 19 grams of protein per serving.  That’s as much protein as a serving of ham.  But where’s your “delish” fat and cholesterol?  That’s right, you have no cholesterol and only 2 grams of fat, and both of those puny grams of fat come from your sticky, ketchupy sauce.  Loser.

Speaking of sauce, why does your label say “saucy in 2 mins!” anyway?  It’s already saucy when I open the package, no two minutes needed.   And since the back of the package says it takes 2 1/2 minutes to cook, the 2 minutes claim is doubly wrong.

The Back of the Box
First of all, when a product looks as disgusting as you do, please don’t reveal it with a cutaway.  It’s like Aretha Franklin wearing a peek-a-boo dress, nobody wants to see it.

By the way, the phrase “whichever way you make it, it’s all good” isn’t fooling anyone.  Nobody likes bbq pulled shreds any which way.

And now the guilt trip.  You promote that your product uses “protein from renewable resources.”  Unidentifiable slop is a renewable resource? Who knew?  I’ll tell you what IS a renewable resource–pigs.  And they taste great.  Now you know!

And is your brand name really “gardein,” short for “garden protein?”  Seriously?!  I tried to ignore that on the front of the box but now you’ve gone and put it on the back of the box too.  Do you have no shame?  And you couldn’t even afford a capital letter for your brand name?

Oh, and don’t even get me started on your ingredients.  I’ll deal with that in a few weeks when I explain just how bad you taste.  You should be ashamed.

There was a time when mediocre barbecue was good enough for me; I suppose that pignorance is bliss. But the more barbecue I eat the less tolerant I am for so-so swine. Unless it is doused with a terrific sauce and served with outstanding sides, in my experience electric/gas-cooked pork is rarely better than okay.  After a year of eating more than my share of forgettable barbecue, I am looking forward to focusing on eating at the traditional pit-cooked ‘cue joints as time allows, while passing over most of the faux ‘cue. Consider that my first BBQ Jew Year’s resolution. My other resolutions include:

-Finally write reviews of several restaurants that I dined at awhile back and still haven’t reviewed, in large part because I really don’t enjoy writing negatives things about someone’s livelihood.

-Continue to interview interesting folks for the BBQ&A section of this site, as that has been my favorite part of running this site for the past two years.  Look for a BBQ&A with NC barbecue legend Bob Garner, as well as others, soon. If you have any suggestions for BBQ&A interviewees, let me know.

-Convince some friends and strangers to contribute guest posts to mix things up. After all, it’s hard work reading your own words three times a week.

-Most of all, enjoy another year of rambling on about the incredible, edible world of North Carolina barbecue.

Best wishes for the year ahead,

Porky LeSwine

A teacher named, coincidentally enough, “Mrs. Q” is eating school lunch along her students at a midwestern school this year (she’s intentionally vague). She blogs about the experience on Fed Up With Lunch, and in a recent post she reported that her cafeteria served something called “Rib-B-Que.”  She’d written about this all-beef patty smothered in cloying barbecue sauce before.

These are not ribs.

Nor is it barbecue.

Shame on you, lunch ladies!

Pity the poor children. For their sake and our nation’s, I think it’s time we right this barbecue wrong. Let’s call a spade a spade a beef patty a beef patty. At least a few of the kids already do, as Mrs. Q reports:

I think somebody is trying to be creative with the “rib-b-que” meat (the illusion of variety), but the kids aren’t fooled. I asked one of my students “What did you have for lunch today?” and he replied, “A hamburger.”

The Front of the Box
Where to begin?  Perhaps the name itself–”bbq pulled shreds.”  Shreds of what? Pulled what? And don’t think the small print “meat-free” above the word “bbq” gives me any comfort.  Plus, aren’t the words “pulled” and “shreds” redundant?

Was the budget too small to afford paying for capital letters on the packaging?  must every word be written in lower case like a jr high text msg? omg luv u tofu, lol!

Why do the words “contains no poultry” appear at the bottom of the picture?  You’ve already flaunted that you’re meat-free.  Is this small print poultry-free message supposed to make me happy?  Or is it an apology?  If so, why apologize simply that you’re poultry-free?  You look like you’re pretending to be a pulled pork sandwich, so why not mention that your pork-free too?  Are you too high falutin to write the word pork?

Why did you think the phrase “enjoy me I’m new” would catch my interest? I’d enjoy you if you were pork, new or old, and not so full of yourself. 

Please never use the word “delish” again.  Rachel Ray came up with that inane word years ago.  And yes I know Rachel Ray’s first name has an “a” in it after the “h.”  But frankly I don’t give a damn.  (Plus, the second “a” serves no purpose, just like you, bbq pulled shreds.)  She can’t cook barbecue and neither can you.  Even Rachel Ray knows better than to serve lettuce on a BBQ sandwich.  Lettuce, really?  Go to the store and buy some cabbage for slaw like you give a crap.

I concede that you have an impressive 19 grams of protein per serving.  That’s as much protein as a serving of ham.  But where’s your “delish” fat and cholesterol?  That’s right, you have no cholesterol and only 2 grams of fat, and both of those puny grams of fat come from your sticky, ketchupy sauce.  Loser.

Speaking of sauce, why does your label say “saucy in 2 mins!” anyway?  It’s already saucy when I open the package, no two minutes needed.   And since the back of the package says it takes 2 1/2 minutes to cook, the 2 minutes claim is doubly wrong.

The Back of the Box
First of all, when a product looks as disgusting as you do, please don’t reveal it with a cutaway.  It’s like Aretha Franklin wearing a peek-a-boo dress, nobody wants to see it.

By the way, the phrase “whichever way you make it, it’s all good” isn’t fooling anyone.  Nobody likes bbq pulled shreds any which way.

And now the guilt trip.  You promote that your product uses “protein from renewable resources.”  Unidentifiable slop is a renewable resource? Who knew?  I’ll tell you what IS a renewable resource–pigs.  And they taste great.  Now you know!

And is your brand name really “gardein,” short for “garden protein?”  Seriously?!  I tried to ignore that on the front of the box but now you’ve gone and put it on the back of the box too.  Do you have no shame?  And you couldn’t even afford a capital letter for your brand name? 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on your ingredients.  I’ll deal with that in a few weeks when I explain just how bad you taste.  You should be ashamed.

Achtung baby!

A North Carolina company is following in Toyota’s footsteps with a massive recall of a life endangering product.  In this case, the recall has nothing to do with defective gas pedals and isn’t actually that massive.  According to this article, The Murphy House of Louisburg is recalling roughly 2,850 pounds of pork barbecue.  The company’s pre-packaged five-pound buckets o’ ‘cue “may contain an undeclared allergen, soy flour,” according to findings by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service.

Consider this recall further proof that soy has no business within 25 yards of barbecue.

As a slight aside, you should sleep easier knowing that U.S. Department of Agriculture staff–when not gorging on five-pound buckets of pork–have created a food safety website called Ask Karen.  The website features a “virtual representative ” named (can you guess?) Karen who “is a knowledge base with information for consumers about preventing foodborne illness, safe food handling and storage, and safe preparation of meat, poultry, and egg products.”

Not only is Karen incredibly knowledgeable about food safety, but she is a looker too.  Nothing is hotter than pillow talk about the safe preparation of meat, poultry, and egg produucts, right?  More from me another day, I’ve got an e-date with Karen to get to…

What has Beckerman riled up?  This press release entitled “The Barbecue Evolution” that was put out by a large company called Sadler’s.  The press release says, in part: “BBQ isn’t just for backyard parties anymore. Sophisticated barbecue was named a Top 10 Flavor Trend in 2009 by Flavor & The Menu and is predicted to go even more upscale with ethnic and regional flavors in 2010… .”

Beckerman responds to Sadler’s slick press release with fire and brimstone worthy of, well, a BBQ Jew, writing that he has no problem with the concept of mass-produced pit-smoked ‘cue but he’s “not so sure about brisket bow-tie pasta, one of the recipes – along with pulled pork Asian wraps and shaved pork quesadillas – that the company offers to ‘customers who want to experiment with upscale barbecue trends.’”  

He continues his sermon, offering, “Nor do we completely agree that ‘mango salsa or chipotle sauces are ideal compliments to the hardwood flavors of authentic, pit-smoked barbecue meats.’  Although fusion has its place in the world of food, we think barbecue may not be that place.” 

Preach it, Beckerman!

According to the blurb on the RDU website, Brookwood Farms BBQ is located near gate C-9 (even though the terminal is now called Terminal 2, not Terminal C, mind you) and is open from 4:30 a.m. until 9:00 p.m.  The website says of the restaurant, “Hailing from nearby Siler City, NC, Brookwood Farms BBQ invites you to come and sit a spell while enjoying real down home cooking.”  Needless to say, despite that folksy quote, I am highly skeptical of the quality of any BBQ joint that is in an airport.  Plus, the folksiness smacks of faux ‘cue to me, but I’ll reserve final judgment until I visit, hopefully on my next flight out of RDU since even I can’t justify driving to the airport just for a meal. 

Actually, let’s be honest, I’ve pre-judged Brookwood already because their wholesale barbecue is sold at large grocery stores.  I’ve had it before and it is simply not good.  See H. Kent Craig’s scathing review if you want the gory details.  Interestingly, Craig says he used to really like their ‘cue, even going so far as describing it by saying, ”it embraces your mouth like a silken sexy lover, kissing your tastebuds with one of the most pleasant initial tastes, as well as pleasant aftertastes when you burp your signal of approval later that night.”  Craig writes that the BBQ’s quality has dropped markedly over the years.  But maybe the ‘cue served “fresh” at the restaurant at RDU will be different?  Heck, maybe pigs can fly!

More good news about the product: the Hormel website warns that their pulled pork is, brace yourself, NOT Kosher.  This suggests that Hormel’s pulled pork is made from real pork and not some sort of pork-tasting mystery product (I have always been amused that bacon bits are often Kosher, which means, of course, that they contain exactly zero percent bacon).   Hmm, so the Hormel Pulled Pork sounds kinda sorta okay at first, but rest assured there are some bright red warning flags. 

It seems that Hormel’s pulled pork has an identity crisis.  Allow me to present my case:

Hold the provolone, please.

1)  The product line is called “Austin Blues,” obviously a Texas BBQ reference.  The phrase “pulled pork” implies perhaps a Memphis BBQ tradition.  And, of course, it has the “Carolina-style” sauce that conveniently references both the Tarheel and Palmetto states. 

2) As if #1 is not bad enough, the Hormel website lists a couple of culturally-confused recipe suggestions for the pulled pork, including the “AUSTIN BLUES® Pulled Pork and Green Chili Breakfast Burrito.”  Huh? 

3) Worse still is Hormel’s recipe for a BBQ sandwich that features the pulled pork (Texas/both Carolinas/Memphis), a hoagie roll (pseudo-Italy via Philadelphia, where hoagies were invented) instead of a simple bun, barbecue sauce (could be any southern state) and… provolone cheese (Italy).  If I am elected President in 2012 I promise you that any company that so much as suggests that provolone cheese be placed on top of barbecue will be shut down by the government immediately.  I hope I can count on your vote.

***NOTE: This Q-Shack location is now out of business.***

Sunday Morning Coming Down
Probably every barbecue lover has been faced with this dilemma: It’s Sunday and the hankering for barbecue strikes, but all the good local joints are closed.  Do you a) go against your primal instinct to hunt ‘cue and eat something else, b) go to a second rate joint to get your fix, or c) drive the 1.5 hours required to reach a good joint open on Sundays?  Unfortunately, I chose option b) a couple weeks ago and got just what I deserved from the Q Shack, a lousy meal. 

My wife, Mrs. LeSwine, and I had a friend in town and she wanted to eat some ‘cue before heading home the next morning.  Instead of just explaining that the few good joints in the Triangle are closed Sundays, we decided to try out the Carrboro Q Shack (complete with its too-clever motto, “BBQ Tender as a Mother’s Love”).

Slick corporate propaganda: a funny sign but not a good sign.

Just Don’t Order The Pork…
I’ve eaten at Durham’s Original Q Shack several times and have always been fine with their brisket and other non-NC ‘cue offerings, although I’ve never been wowed.  The Carrboro Q Shack is part of a small regional chain with locations in Raleigh’s suburban-trendy North Hills and in Charlotte, as well as limited-menu locations on Duke and UNC’s campus and elsewhere, and is under completely separate ownership from Durham’s Original Q Shack.  The menus are close to identical but Durham seems to be doing things better, at least judging from my visits.  Still, even if you visit Durham’s Original Q Shack I suggest you steer clear of the NC ‘cue and stick to the other stuff. The owner of the Durham location has Texas roots and it shows in the difference between his solid preparation of brisket and other Texas dishes compared to the mediocre NC  ’cue.  Anyway, I figured the Carrboro location would be at least as good as Durham. I was wrong.

I ordered the “pulled pork,”  which appears to be an attempt at making NC barbecue.  However, as readers of this site may recognize, the phrase “pulled pork” is a dead giveaway that these people wouldn’t know pit-cooked NC barbecue (which is chopped, not pulled) from a hole in the ground.  The pork was simply not good–it was bland, inconsistently cooked and watery as if from sitting on a steam table.  The mediocre pseudo-Lexington style dip at the table could not possibly add enough flavor to overcome the bad swine. Alas, I resorted to squirting on a dollop of the pretty good Texas-style sauce available at the table.  This is usually a cardinal sin, but the pork needed a Texas size cover-up.

Why is this pork pulled? And why doesn't it taste any good?

…Or Anything Else
Was the rest of the menu much better?  Well, it wouldn’t matter if it was, not for this website or this review.  But if you’re curious, no.  According to their website, “the Q Shack is the one place where North Carolinians, Texans and even Mid-Westerners feel right at home with versions of their down home favorites.”  Well, our party had two midwesterners and two North Carolinians and none of us enjoyed our meal. 

Our visitor from the midwest said, and I quote, “I’ve had better brisket in Wisconsin.”  Ouch.  The brisket was overdone on the dry side and not very tender.  The mac and cheese was good, with some spice to it.  The slaw looked good, what with the shredded purple cabbage and carrot involved, but was just average.  And the collards, usually a safe bet, were bitter from being undercooked and featured several whole unchopped collard leaves.  Sloppy kitchen prep.  The hush puppies were a welcome respite, though they were overdone and overgreasy.

So much for Sunday barbecue in the Triangle.