The Right to Bear… Grease?

Leave it to the elected officials of Alabama to take crazy to another level, an ignominious tradition they’ve upheld for decades.  In his Washington Post blog, journalist (and bona fide yankee*) Reid Wilson notes that Alabama State Representative Steve Hurst believes so strongly in the 2nd amendment that he towed a “gun-shaped barbecue” behind his truck.  Yes, you read that right.  Read the full story (and see the picture) in the Post.

Gun control supporters should take solace that the cooker in question is a simple revolver, not an assault weapon. Better yet, there is no propane tank in sight (could it be that this apparent nut job is a supporter of the Campaign for Real Barbecue?).  Upon reflection, perhaps Representative Hurst deserves everyone’s vote.

——-

*Southerners everywhere should, of course, note the author’s deep ignorance of the south based on him referring to a grill/cooker as a “barbecue”.  If only that pesky 1st amendment to the constitution were amended, we could prevent such disgraceful speech.

The Fog of War (aka Eating BK BBQ)

Burger King '13 (2)Sometimes the BBQ Jew lifestyle, such as it is, involves supreme sacrifice in the name of research. Recently I stumbled into just such a situation.

I was returning home from a long day–and part of the night–at the office and was in desperate need of nourishment. Almost without thinking, and with utter disregard for my need for nourishment, I steered into a Burger King looking for a quick burger.

The poster outside advertised the new BBQ Rib Sandwich, and for only a dollar. Despite my best intentions to play to BK’s strengths and order a Whopper, I had no real choice.  It was BBQ Rib Sandwich time–I had to try it and report back to the huddled barbecue masses (you).

Although the BBQ Rib Sandwich didn’t contain anything I would describe as inclusive of barbecue or rib, it was indeed a sandwich.  And not a bad sandwich at that.  The BBQ Rib Sandwich is basically a pork burger, with ground pork shaped into a patty, and a reasonably tasty one at that.  I could have done without the sweet barbecue sauce, but my low expectations were exceeded.

The BBQ Rib Sandwich is a different animal (maybe literally?) than the McRib, and for that I was thankful.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no plans to ever eat a BBQ Rib Sandwich again but then again I never planned to in the first place.

Burger King '13

 

Porky’s Pulpit: Roasting Raleigh

Every once in a while your’s truly, the Honorable Porky LeSwine, receives an email that restores his faith in ‘cue-manity.  A few days ago I read just such an email.

The message had the subject line, “Raleigh BBQ Scene,” and with a title like that I figured it would be nonsense–Raleigh has no real BBQ to speak of, and what’s a barbecue scene anyway?!   Raleigh is a barbecue desert (one “s”, not to be confused with banana pudding) and I think it’s an embarrassment to have a dearth of BBQ in our state capital.  Well, as it turns out the email’s author agrees with me:

I am a native North Carolinian (a Raleighite) who has been out west for 20+ years and I am here in Raleigh trying to figure out how to move back here to God’s country. I learned to make my own BBQ many years ago because I couldn’t get it any other way. 

Question: Where can I go in Raleigh to get a good plate of authentic (wood smoked, not oven roasted) pork barbecue? Coopers – nope. Carolina BBQ – nope. How many others are using gas or electric ovens and no wood? The Pit cooks with wood, but I just don’t go along with having to make a reservation for a table to get a good plate of true North Carolina barbecue in North Carolina’s capital city. Its just not right. [Editor’s note: reservations or not, I’ve been underwhelmed by The Pit’s barbecue but kudos to them for cooking it over wood and it’s hard to argue with their success as a business.]

Sorry for my ranting. I just can’t believe the BBQ heresy that is going on here. God bless Coopers for being around for 75 years, but they don’t sell BBQ. They sell roasted pork. Are there others that feel like I do?

Heck yeah, there are others that feel like you do.  Not many of us, perhaps, but we exist and we applaud you for speaking truth to propane-power.  Unfortunately, Raleigh is the tip of the iceberg. The lack of real barbecue plagues the state and I can imagine a future that has no true North Carolina barbecue left.

While we wait for the private sector to come to its senses, can’t the state legislators in Raleigh turn their attention to this problem through some sort of hickory smoke stimulus program?  With or without leadership from the legislators wasting space on Jones Street, some of us traditionalists are as mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.

If you care about traditional barbecue, I encourage you to like the page at www.facebook.com/truecue, where a Campaign for Real Barbecue will soon begin.  Until then, keep your faith in the holy smoke.

BBQ Crime Spree

I’m not sure what the exact definition of a hate crime is, but this sure seems like one.  According to an email from the Durham Police Department, someone has been stealing pig cookers.  C’mon people, have some respect for your fellow citizens!  No word on whether the missing cookers are gassers or use charcoal.  If the former, good riddance. If the latter, shame!

—–Original Message—–
From: Michael, Kammie 
Sent: Friday, July 05, 2013 8:12 PM
Subject: Durham Police Asking for Assistance in Smoker/Pig Cooker Thefts

For Immediate Release: July 5, 2013

Durham Police Asking for Assistance in Smoker/Pig Cooker Thefts

Durham police are asking for assistance in identifying a suspect in the theft of a large $4,000 pig cooker that was stolen on May 23 from the driveway of a home off Mineral Springs Road. 

The suspect was described as a black male in his mid-30s, approximately 5 feet 8 inches tall with a medium build and a bald head. He was wearing a green T-shirt and khaki cargo shorts. He was driving what appeared to be a black 1995-2005 Chevrolet Silverado truck.

Police are investigating two other thefts of large pig cookers/smokers. 

Two pig cookers were stolen from the 3900 block of South Alston Avenue in April. The cookers were chained to the back of a building.

Two large smokers on a trailer were stolen from Mount Bethel Presbyterian Church in late April. The trailer was stolen along with the smokers. 

Anyone with information is asked to call Investigator J. Barr at (919) 560-4281, ext. 29119 or CrimeStoppers at (919) 683-1200. CrimeStoppers pays cash rewards for information leading to arrests in felony cases and callers never have to identify themselves.

Watch Your Back, McRib!

McDonald’s dreadful McRib sandwich is under attack and so is all of western southern civilization: Burger King has announced its plans to bring, ahem, regionally inspired barbecue to the masses.

If Dickey’s Barbecue Pit is to BBQ what the Olive Garden is to Italian food, than Burger King must be Pizza Hut.  The end is near my friends.

Don’t take my word for it?  Look at this quote from Alex Macedo, Burger King’s senior vice president: “Barbecues are synonymous with summer; we gather together with family and friends  to eat great food, and now Burger King offers guests a chance to sit back and  let us take over the grilling.”  Grilling, eh?  Yeah, that about sums it up.

 

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Sons Grow Up to Be… This Guy

File this under “So Sad It’s Funny.”  CBS Charlotte reports that Salisbury Police apprehended a man employed by a local barbecue restaurant for peeping on his mother-in-law.  What’s funny about that?  Well, it was the glorious stench of barbecue that helped police catch the criminal.

According to CBS Charlotte, the victim “told police that she smelled barbecue coming from outside her home. Knowing her son-in-law works at a local barbecue restaurant, she grew suspicious.”  I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the victim would prefer her son-in-law not refer to her as “mom.” Just a hunch.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.  God bless America and its muckraking journalists.

Porky’s Pulpit: Barbecued Newt

Newt Gingrich has about as much chance of winning the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination as I have of being named spokesperson for the Kosher Cheese of the Month Club.  Nevertheless, America’s Most Self-Aggrandizing Amphibian is headed to North Carolina to campaign.  Hide your barbecue plates, Tar Heels, unless you want to wash your pork down with a tall glass of unsweetened Newt.

In a wide-ranging interview with WRAL news, Newt proclaimed: “I like barbeque well enough I’m prepared to eat the right barbeque in the east and the right barbeque in the Piedmont. As a Georgian, I think I can lay some claim to barbeque, and so I’m happy to come and eat both kinds.”  A solid answer from the Newtser, assuming the ‘q’ spelling of barbecue is WRAL’s doing and not his.  However, Newt missed an opportunity to push for the environmental benefits of wood-cooked pit barbecue: a step toward homegrown energy independence and less controversial than natural gas given the fracking issue. (It occurs to me that “frack-free” barbecue might be the South’s answer to gluten-free cornbread.)

Certainly Newt’s BBQ credentials are better than his yankee-competitors, Rick “No Google Stock in My Portfolio” Santorum and Mitt “Don’t Call Me Mittens” Romney.  If Newt can avoid a Rick Perry-sized barbecue gaffe, he has a good chance to dominate the Republican primary’s barbecue voting bloc.

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