Porky’s Pulpit: “bbq pulled shreds” rant

I recently lived my nightmare.  I ate–“consumed” is a more appropriately clinical term given I did it only in the name of research–most of a package of “Certified Vegan” tofucue.  (You can pronounce that last word however you see fit.)  I will return to the scene of the crime soon to give you a full report on how this vile product tasted (preview: vile), but today’s post focuses on the packaging.

The Front of the Box
Where to begin?  Perhaps the name itself–“bbq pulled shreds.”  Shreds of what? Pulled what? And don’t think the small print “meat-free” above the word “bbq” gives me any comfort.  Plus, aren’t the words “pulled” and “shreds” redundant?

Was the budget too small to afford paying for capital letters on the packaging?  must every word be written in lower case like a jr high text msg? omg luv u tofu, lol!

Why do the words “contains no poultry” appear at the bottom of the picture?  You’ve already flaunted that you’re meat-free.  Is this small print poultry-free message supposed to make me happy?  Or is it an apology?  If so, why apologize simply that you’re poultry-free?  You look like you’re pretending to be a pulled pork sandwich, so why not mention that your pork-free too?  Are you too high falutin to write the word pork?

Why did you think the phrase “enjoy me I’m new” would catch my interest? I’d enjoy you if you were pork, new or old, and not so full of yourself. 

Please never use the word “delish” again.  Rachel Ray came up with that inane word years ago.  And yes I know Rachel Ray’s first name has an “a” in it after the “h.”  But frankly I don’t give a damn.  (Plus, the second “a” serves no purpose, just like you, bbq pulled shreds.)  She can’t cook barbecue and neither can you.  Even Rachel Ray knows better than to serve lettuce on a BBQ sandwich.  Lettuce, really?  Go to the store and buy some cabbage for slaw like you give a crap.

I concede that you have an impressive 19 grams of protein per serving.  That’s as much protein as a serving of ham.  But where’s your “delish” fat and cholesterol?  That’s right, you have no cholesterol and only 2 grams of fat, and both of those puny grams of fat come from your sticky, ketchupy sauce.  Loser.

Speaking of sauce, why does your label say “saucy in 2 mins!” anyway?  It’s already saucy when I open the package, no two minutes needed.   And since the back of the package says it takes 2 1/2 minutes to cook, the 2 minutes claim is doubly wrong.

The Back of the Box
First of all, when a product looks as disgusting as you do, please don’t reveal it with a cutaway.  It’s like Aretha Franklin wearing a peek-a-boo dress, nobody wants to see it.

By the way, the phrase “whichever way you make it, it’s all good” isn’t fooling anyone.  Nobody likes bbq pulled shreds any which way.

And now the guilt trip.  You promote that your product uses “protein from renewable resources.”  Unidentifiable slop is a renewable resource? Who knew?  I’ll tell you what IS a renewable resource–pigs.  And they taste great.  Now you know!

And is your brand name really “gardein,” short for “garden protein?”  Seriously?!  I tried to ignore that on the front of the box but now you’ve gone and put it on the back of the box too.  Do you have no shame?  And you couldn’t even afford a capital letter for your brand name? 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on your ingredients.  I’ll deal with that in a few weeks when I explain just how bad you taste.  You should be ashamed.

5 Responses

  1. LOL! Preach it, brother.

  2. Wow; you’re actually gonna take this bullet for us? You’re going to taste this rubbish? It’s always amazing to see the extent to which the truly dedicated will suffer for their art.

    Assuming you survive(d) it, I look forward to reading “Pulled Pork Shreds Rant Part Deux” and to having to go “eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”. Again.

  3. Yeah, because eating a dead animal carcass is SO much more appetizing.

  4. Well Mikah, I’ll let the record speak for itself: humans have been eating dead animal carcasses for milennia but shredded BBQ tofu carcasses for only a few years. I rest my case.

  5. It was all lowercase, except for the I in I’m. I wonder if someone caught hell for that oversight.

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