Porky’s Pulpit: I Am Your Sweet Tea Party Candidate

Ladies and gentleman, I don’t need to tell you that we live in trying times.  (But I will.) The economy remains in shambles.  Millions of hard working Americans are unemployed and therefore the phrase “hard working Americans” sounds more than a little bit nostalgic.  Foreclosures continue at a rate that very nearly keeps pace with the number of Snooki-related news items.  And, needless to say (but I will) the level of political discourse in this country is at an all-time low (Snooki aside).  While most of you are content to vote (or not bother to) for a mainstream Republican or Democrat, and some of you are out on the streets agitating for whatever it is that Tea Party types agitate for (agitation?), I am doing something more impressive.  Yes, today I am proud to announce my candidacy for office under the Sweet Tea Party banner.

What is the Sweet Tea Party? I’m so glad you asked. It is more than a party, it’s a movement.  In fact, it is a large, grassroots movement that is by no means orchestrated and financed by the super wealthy (just in case you wondered). While the Glenn Becks of the world are inflating their egos with ill-defined efforts to “restore honor” to our nation and calling attempts to help the shrinking middle class socialism, and while Rachel Maddow continues to look smug despite her best efforts or maybe because of them, the Sweet Tea Party is different.  The Sweet Tea Party has a sound platform.  Well, maybe not a platform per se but at least a few creaky planks.  As an official the official the only Sweet Tea Party candidate, I promise to work tirelessly to remind the nation that:

  • In good times and bad, sweet tea has been a comforting drink that suits most any occasion well and makes a pig pickin’ complete. 
  • Sweet tea tastes right only when the sugar is added to the water right after it’s boiled and not when some yankee-sympathizing restaurant offers “sweet tea” by serving a glass of unsweetened Lipton with a bunch of sugar packets on the side. That’s not sweet tea, that’s bullshit.
  • Sweet tea is not the same as sweat tea. If you see sweat tea listed on the menu at a restaurant you should leave immediately (though if it’s a barbecue restaurant you might first want to order some ‘cue just in case the pitmaster cooks better than he spells).
  • Sweet tea tastes pretty good as a mixer for a variety of hard liquors, but it tastes best on its own.
  • Sweet tea needs no adornment, but if you must a slice of lemon or sprig of mint is a nice touch.
  • Sweet tea pairs perfectly with pork barrel politics, so rest assured that Sweet Tea Party candidates will bring back the pork to their home districts… and maybe some hush puppies too.

Again, I will work tirelessly to get the Sweet Tea Party message out.  I will not stop until the entire nation knows what the Sweet Tea Party stands for, or at least until I am moderately thirsty. (Republicans and Democrats wouldn’t stop until extremely thirsty but I am no extremist.) In conclusion, I probably don’t need to tell you (but I will) that sweet tea has guided our nation through tough times before and it will do so again.  God bless you, God bless the Sweet Tea Party, God bless America, and heaven help me because I need a drink.

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3 Responses

  1. “Here Here to Porky Leswine and the Sweet Tea Party!!!”

    You can definitely count on my for financial backing for this political endeavor (provided it doesn’t cost more than your average sweet tea – currently $1.00 at McDonalds! – not the best, but passible).

  2. This is a political movement I can really get behind!

  3. Thanks Another_Q and Robert, your two votes might be enough for me to win this election.

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