Porky’s Pulpit: Signs of Senility

Posted on May 4, 2011 by Porky LeSwine

On Monday I received the disturbing email below, from Brenae “Iron Deficiency is Worse Than LSD” Leary, who was writing to alert me about the AARP’s promotion of Meatless Mondays.  Needless to say the BBQJew.com editorial staff has about as much tolerance of Meatless Mondays propagandists as it has sympathy for Osama Bin Laden. 

Hi, Porky—

AARP.org shares these warm and comforting meat-free recommendations to help you start your week on a healthy note.

Breakfast: Apple Muffins– These easy and inexpensive muffins take less than an hour…

Lunch: Miso-Spiked Vegetable Soup With Barley– Miso is a traditional Japanese paste made of fermented soy beans, rice or barley…

Dinner: Gruyere Tart– Serve this savory tart with a side of green salad…

Feel free to share with your readers with a link!

Best,
Brenae

The fact that the AARP is touting the virtues of Meatless Mondays only confirms my assumptions about the elderly: they are confused, senile, anemic, grumpy, and generally not to be counted on for anything more than incoherent stories about days long ago and events long since forgotten. 

In fairness, I understand why the denture-wearing seniors of AARP would struggle to gnaw the meat off of a Kansas City rib, but don’t they realize that you can gum North Carolina barbecue if need be?  In my opinion, Meatless Mondays are an unnecessary distraction for North Carolina seniors and it’s unfortunate that the AARP is attempting to deceive its gullible membership.

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BBQ Jew’s Virtual Field Trip to China

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Porky LeSwine

A tip of the snout to my biggest supporters (and occassional blog readers), my mom and dad, who sent me two pork-related news items from China. 

First, in an article that is evidently true even though it sounds like it is ripped off from The Onion: a food additive that turns pork into beef.  The additive does a convincing job of transforming relatively inexpensive meats like pork into beef.  Of course, there may be a few minor side effects; as the article says, “long-term use of additives can cause slow poisoning, deformity, and even cancer.”  But, hey, if you are going to be poisoned it seems like slow poisoning is the way to go (after all, it allows plenty of time to digest your fake-beef meal before you die).

Think the above pork-beef is unappetizing?  Well, at least it doesn’t glow in the dark.  A Shanghai resident identified as Miss Chen made dumplings with her family one recent evening and put the leftover pork on a table in the kitchen before heading to bed.  She was in for a rude awakening later that night.  According to an article that includes some disturbing photos, “At 11pm, Miss Chen got out of bed to use the toilet, and suddenly noticed a faint blue glow coming from the kitchen, and that the bright blue glow was coming from the pork itself!”  Rest assured, this blue-glowing pork was deemed safe to eat by local authorities so I’m sure there is nothing to worry about.  After all, China has a sterling reputation for monitoring product safety.

Until I hear some better news about pork in Asia’s China, I’ll stick to getting my barbecue pork from places like Gary’s in China Grove.

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